Orangeville – To Kill a Christmas Tree

The day begins, and I am making a habit of these late starts.

And today’s breakfast delicacy is toasted waffles with peanut buttercup ice cream and maple syrup. It is as good as it sounds. I have 4 of them. I don’t even feel bad.

Being that it is a Saturday, Lauren has the day free too. So, she kinda just surfaces when she’s ready.


Show me your “Excited face”

Today’s mission: To Kill a Christmas Tree.


On the mission

Every one has surfaced, eaten and is kitted out to hit the road. Lauren chucks on this old jacket of hers, and keeps finding little toy dinosaurs in the pockets. Drew would leave her little dinos whenever he went up north for work. Its super cute and its cool to see the two of them reminiscing for a moment or two.


We’re in the pimp wagon, and its time to go.

The place we are headed is a little tree farm about 15-20 mins away. We rock up, and there are loads of cars already. People coming and going with their trees all wrapped up, either strapping them to the roof of their cars or stuffing them into the boot. As you’re driving in, there are racks set up with trees lined up left right and centre. Those among us who dare not take upon themselves the glory of cutting their own christmas trees are more than welcome to pussy foot around and take one from the racks.

It was an abomination to behold.

We headed into the bottom of the barn, they’ve got this little set up with all these saws and some soup or something in the corner. We discover that they don’t have any credit card facilities, which is like me still riding a horse and carriage to work. Lucky, Lauren is a waitress, so being that she gets a fair few tips, she’s got cash in her wallet. She informs us that this is now her tree and that we can expect interest. We oblige. I mean, she’s kinda got us all by the balls. Its on.

We head over to the tractor which is pulling this old flatbed trailer. It looks and feels the part. We clamber on the back and we’re off to cut down a tree. We leave two smaller families in our wake. They want to join us, but were too slow, so ner. The driver misread the play with the other driver, so now we have to go back and pick them up or something. Gaaaay. Was totally looking forward to having it all to ourselves and taking up way more space than is necessary. Now we actually have to be mindful of other people or something… Guh.



We arrive at the White Spruce section. For a moment the four of us communicate and share ideas as to what features of each tree we admire. This doesn’t last long. We very quickly end up going our own ways and find our own ideas of the perfect tree to point out to each other. Then, while I am about 3 rows away, Drew and Bec make the audacious statement that they have found it. I was pretty sure that I had found it, so this will be interesting.

Turns out they had found it. It was a bloody good looking tree. This was the tree that we would take, and I was tasked with killing it.

Its like a scene off an Eli Roth film. The sound of steel teeth grind away at the tender bark of the tree. Pieces of bark fling into the air, rivalling shrapnel from pearl harbour as the tree surrenders itself more and more to the mercilessness of my saw. Each stroke deals a deeper blow. I feel it giving up.


Doing the dirty work.

I load each strike with power starting from my hips. With each turn, I feel myself getting stronger, as I inch closer to the end of the tree’s ordeal. I mutter under my breath the infamous quote from 300: “This will not be over quickly…” I grit my teeth, wrap my hand around the trunk of the tree, pull it closer and finish my sentence, “you will not enjoy this”.

I let go of the tree as Drew pulls the tree back to expose the soft internal grains for me to deal the most damage possible. I’m in the heart of the tree’s strength now. I know it has nothing left. It has surrendered and I am the only one who is going to end it’s misery. I deal a deathly blow. Again and again. Slowly, I feel the tree giving up. It topples under the pressure of my last strike and sinks to the ground.


I am the victor. If you don’t believe this epic ordeal, here is my trophy picture just to prove it:


The Victory Shot

Its true, my fearsome reputation goes before me among christmas trees.
This unfortunate tree will serve as spoils of war for the remainder of the merry season.

We jump back on our mate’s tractor and were off. We reach the bottom of the barn and give the bloke Lauren’s money (with which she reminds us again that it’s got interest). I’m standing there with the tree in one arm trying to work out what happens next. These two dudes are standing near a chute sort thing, looking at me like “ahh.. when you’re ready mate”.  Ahhh… Thats where I gotta go next.

I hand them the tree and these dudes don’t muck around hey. Its in and through, and all done before I can think about it. All wrapped up. We opted for the in-the-boot-option for the journey home. Bec got to cuddle up with the tree. It was cute. Not for her though.

Were home and the journey to decorate the tree begins.

So. I haven’t  had much experience with real christmas trees, but I know for certain that we need a base for the tree. We cant find the base for the tree. We look for about 20 mins. All the while, someone is holding the tree, which deals deathly spikes to your hands repeatedly. Bec sees our conundrum, walks into the garage and briskly cruises straight out with the base in hand. Whatever. This is the story of my life. I really shouldn’t be surprised any more.

We wrestle with the tree while we try and pin it into the base and cut the netting loose.

Aaaaaaand. Its deco time. We spend the next hour dressing the tree up. Meticulously placing ornament after ornament on each branch. It is a masterpiece. I load my beard with baubles, drew gets tasked with doing the top of the tree-thingy, and I put reindeer ears on Isis the cat. Its name is really Isis. Not because its evil, cos its actually an awesome cat, but it was named after the roman goddess. Who would have thought? The irony is overwhelming.

We load up the tree, tuck some dinner into out bellies, and we head off to see ‘Christmas in the Park’, which for those in Kalgoorlie, doesn’t mean feeding homeless over here. Its actually a big park that all the locals put together and light up over the silly season. They’ve got ice sculptures, a dude handing candy canes out to everyone (not as seedy as it sounds), lights in the literally every tree and gingerbread people for you to pretend be like.


I think thats about it. It was a grand day.


Come back tomorrow,


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